Hentai ga futari imashita!
by Shunkan
Summary: AU. Sasori works in the kitchens of a kindergarten, Deidara’s the new substitute teacher. You do the math. DeiSaso. With ItaSaso on the side, because I just couldn't resist making a gay music teacher as well.
1. That changes everything!

Well, this one's for FreeFallJumper, and I hope it meets her requirements. And yours, too, of course.

So here you go, a little tale of kindergarten with a little confusion and a lot of awkward boy love.

Enjoy!

Chapter 1: _That changes everything!_

* * *

They sat there, side by side on the picnic blanket, both looking up at the summer sky.

"Look, that one looks like a heart," Sasori whispered in Deidara's ear, pointing at the cloud right above them. Deidara blushed at the closeness and took another cookie out of the small jar.

"Oh, look, Sasori no danna, the cookies are gone!" Deidara stared at the jar as if sheer willpower would put more cookies inside. Sasori smiled at the crumbs lining his lap, the aftermath of a certain someone's messy eating habits.

"I wonder whose fault that is," he said slyly, discreetly sliding an arm around Deidara's shoulder, smirking to himself at the small squeak the blonde made.

"S-S-Sasori no danna!"

How could Sasori _not_ fall for those innocent blue eyes, or that timid voice that struck all of the right heartstrings? He leaned in even closer to those lips, those pretty lips decorated with sugar crumbs, and brought them to his own. The body under him startled, then went limp in his grasp, kissing him back, kissing him passionately...

"Sasori no danna..." Deidara moaned next to his ear.

"Hm?"

"M-make l-love to m-me..."

Sasori didn't need to be told twice.

* * *

"I _said_, are you DONE CHOPPING THE CARROTS?" Mao boomed for the last time.

And _bam_, Sasori was hit upside the head with a rolling pin.

"Huh?" he said, mind too blank to come up with anything else.

"Oh don't you pretend you didn't know! The little ones are _starving_!"

And just like that, Sasori was brought back to earth.

Stupid, total absence of kinky picinic, earth.

"Damn!" he swore, taking his frustration out on the innocent little carrots. "And I almost lost my virginity..." he muttered under his breath.

"What's that, Sasori-san?"

"Nothing, Kata."

The brunette smirked. "Well, in that case, maybe you should come out and help us serve lunch."

Sasori sighed. Sometimes a kitchen full of giggling women really didn't work for him, so he'd often escape off to play with the kids during lunch break. They were a lot of fun, and at least _they_ appreciated his crazy imagination, especially when it involved him inventing new and wacky deserts. Chips with icing on top, bread with spray-cream, chocolate-covered carrots, caramel cucumbers, you name it.

Kankurou especially went wild for that last one.

Sigh, but alas, although he wanted to see them stuff their faces with 'revolting' food (direct quote from, well, all of the kitchen staff,) he'd just have to be happy with asking Kata to put out his chopped carrots on their little one-foot-tall lunch tables for him.

Because Deidara would be out there, talking with them.

Or rather, Deidara-_sensei_.

Sasori sighed again, absent-mindedly piling the last of the carrots onto a flowery tray and handing them to Kata. Only once she and Mao had left did he turn back to the window above the cutting board.

The clouds were thin and grey, matching the slushy layer of snow on the ground below them. Not a heart-shaped one in sight.

He turned to the neighboring counter to wash his hands. Maybe he'd call it a day, Yori was there to help (for once) anyway. He untied his black apron and hung it up next to his assigned cubby hole.

"And just _where_ do you think you're going?"

Speak of the devil, there was Yori now, hands on her hips and a carving knife in her apron pocket. And with that murderous expression added in the mix, Sasori knew exactly what to do: shut up and do as he was told.

Yori had asked a rhetorical question, anyway.

"Geez, Sasori, do you have _any_ manners at all? Deidara-sensei hasn't been formally introduced to us yet! At least stay for _that_!" and she stomped off.

Sasori gulped. Shit. He didn't know how he's act, after that little fantasy. 'Sasori no danna,' yeah, right. But hey, maybe he could make cookies for them, and then...

And he phased out.

The rest of the kitchen staff were all at the far end of the island in the kitchen, gossiping as usual.

"Oh, did you hear from Nanami-sensei?"

"Yeah, she called me this morning. She's already in her thirtieth week!"

"Wow, she must be _huge_ by now!"

"Well, they _did_ say she was having twins."

"_Twins_? Oh, they'll be so much fun to take care of! We should have Sasori-san bake something when she comes back!"

Sasori's ears perked up at his name. What were they talking about?

"Yeah, but hopefully he won't feed the twins anything weird..."

Sasori sighed. Misunderstood. As usual. He tried not to look like he was eavesdropping, because he was sure that they would eventually start trading some inside info about a certain blonde. And sure enough,

"But did you _see_ the new substitute teacher?" Kata asked excitedly.

"Yeah, pretty cute, as subs go, but at this other school I worked at..."

Sasori gave a mental eye-roll. Leave it to Mao-senpai to ruin his information gathering.

But something irked him. Something about the way Kata had said...

"And oh my god, I would _kill_ to have hair like Deidara-sensei's!" Kata squealed.

Sasori immediately returned to the alert.

"Well, don't go bothering, now, it must already be stressful enough to be teaching a bunch of four-year-olds for the first time..." Mao reprimanded.

Yori sighed. "Yeah, I know, but I mean, what's _not_ to love about..."

And Sasori phased out again. Did that mean he had competition? But wait, that must mean...

Well, Sasori had always considered himself open-minded, but...

"Ohmygodohmygodohmygod there he is now!" Kata squealed, dragging Yori by the arm. "Let's go say hi to him! Oh my god, Yori-chan, does my hair look okay? Don't just stand there, answer me! C'mon!"

And both girls dashed out of the kitchen, squeeing as they found the man locking up his classroom.

It was just Mao and him now. He mulled over what he had just heard.

Okay, now he _knew_ there was something...

Suddenly, it hit him.

"'He'?" he whispered to himself. "_He_?"

Mao hadn't heard him. "Y'know, Sasori, you can leave now if you want. Unless you _want_ to help me clean up," she said teasingly, hoping to get a reaction out of him. "Sasori?" she asked hesitantly when none came. Instead, Sasori turned around to face her, stunned look on his face.

"Deidara-sensei...is...male?" he asked after a moment.

"Yes, yes he is. Deidara-sensei is a male, Sasori," she said, desperately trying to keep a straight face. Wait 'til the girls heard _this_ one.

Sasori ignored her, trying to swallow this new fact.

_A male, huh? Well, _that_ changes everything._

Sasori sighed (again) as he closed the back doors behind him. He could've sworn he'd heard Mao-senpai laughing to herself in the other room while he was changing. He slung his messenger bag over his shoulder and set off down the street, mind racing still.

_A male, huh?_

God, now nothing surprised him. And yet, the confident walk, the husky laugh, the broad shoulders, heck, the _flat chest_...

What, had he assumed Deidara was a _cross-dresser_ or something? A transvestite kindergarten teacher, way to corrupt today's children.

_Stupid stupid stupid! How could I actually have thought..._

A passing car sent melted snow flying into his face.

"Yeah, fuck you too," he grumbled.

_Deidara is a_ guy.

He froze in mid-stride.

Deidara was a _guy_.

Last time he'd checked, he liked Deidara.

And he was a guy.

Thus...

_I'm...gay?_

Well knock me down with feather. Sasori liked men. Or _a_ man, rather.

"Oh, but that makes it so _complicated_," he whined to himself.

But hey, fantasies were easily changed, right? Take a little away here, add a little there...

_Well, I_ did _always imagine him with a rough voice..._

Damn, but now there was even less chance of him liking him back!

Meh, what the heck, why not just give up and leave happiness to his imagination?

Sasori smiled to himself. Maybe, for now.

But in the long run, he wanted something to remain inside him.

_I'll give it a try._

He skipped the last few steps to his apartment.

_I'll see if we can make something to last forever._

* * *

Now wasn't that sappy?

To be continued!

Love,

Shun


	2. But then, who’s Danna?

O.O you guys are really nice!

-bows- thank you!

Enjoy!

Oh, and you all get to meet Inner Sasori!

Chapter 2: _But then, who's Danna?_

* * *

"S-S-Sasori no danna!" came the urgent cry from above him.

Sasori sighed inwardly and looked up. "What is it?" he asked frustratedly. Deidara went silent. "So annoying," he muttered, and went back to what he was doing. A squirm soon interrupted him. Deidara's cheeks were colouring furiously, sweat dripping heavily into eyes, clamped shut. Sasori stared at the writhing body for a moment. "Wait, Deidara, are you...scared?" the blonde gave a nervous nod. Sasori smiled. "Don't worry, I'll be gentle, okay?" Deidara's eyes cranked open in surprise when Sasori tapped on the first button of the starched blouse seperating him from his pleasure. Time slowed, and their hearts beat faster as Sasori undid each button, slowly revealing a-

"You're a _guy_?"

Deidara looked to the side uneasily.

* * *

_BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!_

Half-asleep, Sasori twisted in his blankets to look over at the alarm clock on his bedside table. He stared at it for a few seconds without actually reading the numbers, wincing at the still-blaring alarm.

_6: 29 AM_

He chuckled sleepily to himself.

_And just when I thought it would be impossible to sleep through twenty-nine minutes of that racket..._

Wait.

_Twenty-nine minutes_?

Oh shit.

"Damn!" he blurted, apologising metally to his apartment neighbors. The owner of the building had obviously skimped on useless things (like sound-proof walls and a dependable heating system in winter) in favour of the bare necessities (an olympic-sized pool and a video game arcade the size of a football field) for the sake of having happy (shivering, eavesdropping) tenants.

And so, teeth clattering miserably, Sasori jumped out of his covers and made a dash for the shower. He shed his clothes as fast as he could and dived into the hot water to avoid as much cold air against his bare skin as possible. He _really_ didn't like the cold.

He decided he'd wash his hair today, for the sake of at least being "stylishly" late.

He couldn't possibly make it to work in a single minute, after all.

Sasori walked out of his apartment in a daze. Sudden drops in temperature did that to him. All it took was a conveniently placed puddle of slush for him to completely plunge his sneaker into (Sasori _really_ didn't like boots, either) and _poof_, like magic, he was wide awake, swearing profusely, and slowly remembering the dream he'd had last night.

Whoa, what a nightmare. Deidara was actually a-

_Wait, he_ is _a guy._

He sighed. Of course, he'd already had this conversation with himself. There was no way around it.

He loved Deidara-sensei. And Deidara-sensei was, wince, a guy.

_I'm gay, I'm gay, I'm gaaay_... he chanted in his mind. It was a pretty big concept to swallow.

_And I'm really really laaaaate_...his Inner Sasori chanted back.

Shit, would Deidara-sensei notice? He checked his watch. Ten minutes 'til he was officially half an hour late. And dead, by Kata's hands most likely.

He muttered angrily under his breath. Deidara-sensei had probably introduced himself yesterday to the entire kitchen staff, except him. And Kata had probably leaned low onto the counter, low enough so that he could see _everything_ down her shirt, because he'd probably tilted his head _just so_. And Yori had probably fluttered those long eyelashes of hers, and he probably hadn't asked her if there was something in her eye. They'd probably followed him home, and he probably hadn't protested.

Deidara-sensei had definitely gotten a _lot_ yesterday, Sasori thought.

God bless Mao-senpai's white hair and valley-deep wrinkles. God bless them forever.

Hopefully he'd be there by the time Mao-senpai scolded them for arriving so late and dishevelled this morning.

He chuckled evilly to himself.

He wanted to give Life a big hug for biting Yori and Kata in the ass. But hopefully Life would spare Deidara-sensei. Well, unless It felt like nipping him for being unfaithful to Sasori, which It jolly well could.

There, his (wet) feet had dragged him to the side entrance of the school all by themselves. He may as well forget about making up an excuse; Mao-senpai could practically read minds.

_Wait, maybe she'll find out about my liking Deidara-sensei..._

_Wait, why do I even say "sensei"?_

His hand froze on the doorknob.

Had he gotten ahead of himself? Last time he'd checked, _he_'d been pinning Deidara to a bed (nevermind that he'd been a woman) and spreading _his_ legs.

Thus, logically, in the hypothetical event of Deidara being gay himself, Sasori must surely be the "boy," no?

_There's so much evidence, anyway..._

_For one_,

...but all he could see were reasons why _Deidara_ should be pinning _him_ to a bed.

Like how Deidara was ranked above him, job-wise.

And how Sasori had to wear a wussy apron, and Deidara wore a nice suit.

And how...

_No, _no_, damnit! _I'm_ on top! Me, Sasori!_

_Yeah, but first you're actually gonna need his permission to get in his pants_, Inner Sasori teased.

_...Shut up._

_But you _do_ realise you're losing to a girly man, I hope._

Sasori sighed. This guy knew exactly how to piss him off.

_"This guy" is you, you realise._

_I_ said _shut up!_

Cursing himself, he slowly entered the small hallway that gave him about ten feet to gather his features into a remorseful enough looking expression to avoid instant death at his co-workers's hands before he entered.

"Oh, nevermind, Mao-san. Here he is."

_See?_ He _knew you were a guy._

Oh no, oh _no no no_. Deidara was _so _not standing in the kitchen doorway, and he was _so _not holding the door open, and laughing boyishly at something someone inside had said, either. Oh no, he had _so_ not turned his head so that his gorgeous blonde hair flipped into his face, and accidentally flashed Sasori the sexiest smile he'd ever seen.

And he had _so_ not just given Sasori the hardly repressible urge to strip naked and tug Deidara down to the floor with him so that he could-

_No! _I'_m on top! _I'm_ ON TOP! _You're_ on the- you're really hot, you know that?_

Deidara's eyes were shining with hidden humour. He couldn't possibly have guessed-

"We were wondering where you'd gone, Sasori-san. They said they'd kill you if you weren't there for my self-introduction." He smiled, as if Sasori's death was a silly thing to blackmail someone with.

_There, you see? He used "-san"! That means he respects me! Which means I'm the one who'll-_

_Idiot, it's a mark of the distance between you two. Not who spreads whose legs._

_...Damn._

"Oi, Sasori-san! Might wanna hurry your butt, if you don't want me to release Yori on you! What's with you, being half an hour late?" Kata said angrily, popping her head in the doorway beside Deidara.

They both looked at him, Kata wearing a murderous expression, Deidara, a curious one.

"Um...nice to see you too?" he tried. Kata huffed and stomped back inside, whereas Deidara stayed where he was, holding the door for Sasori, eyes still shining. He gulped as he stepped towards him and into the kitchen.

Deidara was three inches taller than him, and he reeked of women, he found.

_There, two birds with one stone; he's bigger, thus manlier than you, and two, he's fucking STRAIGHT!_

_You know what you can go and do with your two birds and one stone?_

By habit, Sasori conveniently found other things to stare at than his co-workers's dirty glares.

"Well, I suppose I can finally introduce myself to the charming kitchen staff-"

Sasori immediately ignored Deidara's semi-rehearsed jiko-shoukai and instead resumed his inner Who's On Top conversation.

_He flipped his hair like a girl, if you hadn't noticed_, he prompted triumphantly.

_Meh, I don't know if you noticed, but a lot of guys think it's hot when they flip their hair out of their eyes. _

_...Whatever_

"And I'm twenty-three years old..."

_Ha! You see, he's younger! YOUNGER, you hear? Inexperienced and begging for a lesson or two..._

_...Let's get back to that part where he LIKES WOMEN._

...and so forth. Sasori was slowly losing to Inner Sasori, though, which made for some interesting subconscious facial expressions, none of which went unnoticed by Kata and Yori. They exchanged glances. Sasori was usually very cheerful and energetic. Why so late, and why so preoccupied?

They nodded in silent agreement. If giving him Playground Shift didn't make him smile, then nothing would.

Meanwhile...

_And he's blushing, goddamnit! Have you ever seen a guy screw someone while_ blushing!

_...Well, I suppose you get bonus points for BEING A PERVERT!_

_...I rest my case._

"...and so I hope we can become friends during my time here, thank you!"

And Deidara bowed and left.

_Ha, subtle message: he only sees you as a FRIEND!_

_...how girly of you, to read into to it like that. God, _you_'re the one making me lose..._

_Yessir :D_

"Oi, Sasori-san? Are you okay?" Yori asked, a line creasing her forehead.

"You don't look too good, you know," Kata remarked. "Why don't we give you..."

She paused, waiting for the okay from Yori.

"The Playground Shift for today!" they said together, waiting expectantly for a reaction.

Sasori barely smiled. He was really happy on the inside, usually Yori and Kata hogged all of the time with the kids at recess, so this must really be a rare phenomenon. But, as Inner Sasori had put it, he had just lost to a girly man.

And so the world was dark, very dark.

"Oh, Sasori looks so cute when he's sad!"

And Yori glomped him, followed quickly by Kata.

_You know that only yesterday, you would've really been enjoying this. Tsk, shame, really, that from now on you're gonna get done in the-_

_You're enjoying this too much, you know?_

_Who, me? You're the one getting two pairs of boobs shoved into you. Boobs, Sasori, BOOBS! Don't you realise that? And Mao-senpai is gone! GONE! Damn, this it is, Sasori! All you need to do is turn the lights off and-_

_...Oh, and _I_'m the pervy one?_

_...Tsk, I don't even know you any more, man._

_I'm _you!

_...Like I was saying..._

"Sasori-san, why don't you take the morning off? We'll make the snacks, okay?"

"..."

"Gasp! Sasori's going emo on us!" Yori cried.

"Double gasp! I'll go and make cupcakes! They always cheer him up!" Kata decided hurriedly, already rushing to get the flour.

_And by now, you'd say something like "No, no, hold the cupcakes. Or maybe you could hold something else..." and then wink suggestively. And then BAM! Instant sex!_

_...Let me get this straight; you're making fun of me for being uke in this, even though you're basically the one who's at fault-_

_We never decided that for sure-_

_Stop interrupting! As I was saying, it's all your fault, and now you're giving me tips on how to get a threesome, when all I want is_-

"To get done in the ass!" he finished aloud without thinking.

Yori stared at him. Kata's head swiveled faster than Neji's Hakkesho Kaiten.

Inner Sasori said it best.

_Oh_

_Shit._

* * *

To be continued! Muhaha, suspense!

Love!

Yeah, I feel kind of bad about the comment on transvestites I made in the last chapter (Everyone: well then CHANGE it! Me: T.T) So I just wanted to say that I personally think that trannies are awesome, and my all-time favourite is the comedian Eddie Izzard. The guy's freaking hilarious! You guys should really check him out on youtube!

Oh, and I also spent all of today researching cross-dressing in Japan. Class project. That's why I'm late. Mostly.

Bye!

Shun


	3. Playing with Puppet's Heart

Hey!

Whoa, um, thanks guys!!

It's really extremely flattering, to have someone tell you their opinion of your story, and I'm really really sorry if my review replies don't seem grateful enough. It's just hard to say how happy I am when my mind has been reduced to a warm and fuzzy pile of glee!!

So here ya go, third chapter. Please be patient for the DeiSaso moments, as I want to build up a story and really put Sasori through a lot of emotional torture (whoever said I had mercy said it while in the RACK!! –evil laugh-) before anyone gets into anyone's pants. Thank you!!

Oh, and Temari and Kankurou are here, too!! They're going to be fraternal twins for the sake of the story. Work with me here, okay? -.-'

Enjoy!

Chapter 3: _Playing with Puppet's Heart_

* * *

_Oh._

_Shit_.

Yori and Kata's eyes were getting wider and wider.

"Um..." he started, seeing conclusions form in their minds. He'd have to act quickly.

But no words came.

"Sasori?" Yori called questioningly, inching up to his face. "What was that you said?"

"Well, ah..."

"WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT THE MORNING SNACKS, KATA!?" Mao boomed in the doorway.

Yori hid his previously-glomped figure from view of the demon lady. Kata shook, slowly turning to face her boss.

"Um, to have them out by now?" she gulped. Sasori felt a tug of pity. The possibility of limb loss was never completely ruled out with Mao-senpai. But he thanked her mentally for getting him out of his sticky predicament.

_Saved by the scary woman in the blood-stained apron_, Sasori thought in relief.

He waited until Kata had cowered away and finished preparing today's snack (orange cheese and crackers) in record-speed and Mao-senpai had hmphed out of the kitchen to get out from behind Yori. She looked at him.

"Go take a nap. Mao's probably gonna blow if she sees you this late, so it's best you get enough energy to at least make it out alive."

He sighed in relief and went to the couch in the change room, already getting comfortable. How exactly could one outgrow afternoon naps? He didn't want to know, he told himself, and snuggled under his jacket.

"...but don't think you're off the hook. We still want to know what that little outburst was about," Yori said with a smirk, closing the door.

Sasori closed his eyes in defeat.

Did wanting to kill your split personality count as suicide?

* * *

(Time skip because from now on, Sasori's dreams are going to stay private. I'm trying to keep this T-rated for the first chapters, anyway...)

It was a good three hours before the sun filtering through the tiny window ("jail cell-like" came readily to mind) in the change room got strong enough to actually trouble Sasori's sleep. He blinked lazily as he tried to figure out where he was. For a guilty split-second he hoped this was Deidara's bed and that Deidara was somewhere nearby and saying something like "That was fun, you're really cute when you're drunk, you know."

Instead, he rolled off the couch and onto the cold cement floor, alone.

_Owww_, he whined mentally, clutching the growing bump on the back of his head. His headache was worsened by Mao-senpai shrieking in the distance.

_Crap, might want to get to work_, he thought, and was quickly up and walking into the kitchen, planning to look busy once someone came in.

He sighed as he gazed out the window, taking a bite out of the carrot stick he'd swiped from the tray Kata had been preparing for the afternoon snacks. He wasn't particularly hungry for lunch, and he blamed it entirely on the newfound schizophrenia.

...That had presently disapeared. He chuckled to himself. He was sane, for the time being.

Bliss.

"SASORI!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING INSIDE WHEN THERE ARE LITTLE KIDS UNSUPERVISED IN THE PLAYGROUND!?"

Another rolling pin upside the head. Mao-senpai's signature hello-anyone-there? move. It was going to be the death of him one of these days.

Right, he'd forgotten about the offer Kata and Yori had made about the playground shift. How was it that Mao-senpai accepted any change in assignment or shift _they_ made, but _he_ just got a frying pan in the face when he just wanted to be able to wake up half an hour later?

Life just wasn't fair.

Under Mao's killer gaze, he went to get his coat and headed for the playground. Sometimes he really found that kids had more sense than what they would grow up to be.

Hence the child-at-heart job working in a kitchen and making cupcakes for them all day.

He stepped outside, pulling the short collar of his black coat higher around his neck and doing his zipper the rest of the way up. It was a little windy today. Sasori didn't like wind.

A though popped into his mind.

Would Deidara come outside and eventually supervise with him? It was pretty desperate, given, but maybe he was that kind of teacher. He leaned against the rust-coloured brick wall, looking around for the blonde.

He was nowhere in sight. Not that it mattered. He shook his head to rid further thoughts concerning him, and decided he'd walk around, just to work up an appetite.

Within thirty seconds flat his legs were viciously attacked from opposite directions by two bouncing balls of energy. The force was too strong, and he soon lost his balance and fell to the ground.

"Sori-san!!" twin voices shouted.

Wincing at the throbbing pain in his backside, he saw the two four-year-olds tugging at his sleeves.

"We missed you, Sori-san!" cried the girl on his right.

"We thought you were deeeead!" bawled the boy on his left.

Sasori chuckled to himself. More sense than adults, kids might have, but the grasp of time, they'd have to work on a little. It had been what, a _week_ since he'd spent time with them?

"Easy, Temari, you might rip my arm off, and then I won't be able to make cupcakes for you anymore." He felt his heart twinge at the horrified look she gave him as she hurriedly let go.

"Hey, Sori-san, you'll still be able to make caramel cucumbers though, right?"

Sasori laughed at Kankurou's anxious eyes. How _had_ he survived without these two for a full week?

"Maybe, Kankurou, maybe. It depends on whether my left arm's okay." Kankurou dropped his sleeve as if it held a slimy green disembodied limb. He and his sister looked at him with serious eyes, before bursting into tears and jumping for his throat.

"Sori-saaaan!!" they cried again, not noticing the blue-ish colour his cheeks were turning in their death grip.

"Yeah...I...missed you...guys too," he choked, trying to pry their tiny hands from his air supply. They soon got tired of suffocating him, and instead sat on his lap with attentive expressions.

"Hey, Sori-san! Will you tell us a story?" they asked expectantly.

He looked at them for a moment before scratching his head. "A story, huh? Let's see...okay, once upon a time, there was a puppet master who had a dream..."

* * *

(Time skip 'cause Shun is too lazy to write a story- wait, what am I doing now, then? -.-')

"...and that's how the puppet master and became famous and got to perform in front of the king and the queen of the country, who were amazed by his talent and quickly got a boat built for him so that he could travel accross the ocean, where people would truly appreciate his caramel cucumbers. The end."

And he looked up at the audience that had quickly become the entire kindergarten class, who started clapping and awwing at once. He smiled shyly. Four-year-olds or not, the ruckus they made was very humbling. He bowed his head in spite of himself.

Temari and Kankurou were still staring at him without joining in on the applause.

"Sori-san, why didn't the puppet master find true love in the end?" Temari asked, head cocked in curiosity.

"Yeah, why not?" echoed Kankurou.

"Isn't that what always happens in the end?" asked another kid in the back, very near tears.

"The puppet master will never really be happy if he doesn't find true love!" cried another, already sobbing.

Sasori scratched his head uncomfortably. He had to hand it to these kids, they were pretty damn perceptive.

"Well, okay," he said after a moment. "Once the puppet master arrived at the other side of the ocean, he met a blonde-" he started.

"Well, the puppet master will have to wait until later, won't he?" interrupted a voice way in front of him.

Deidara, who was checking his watch a little annoyedly. Sasori imitated him. If his trusty Timex wasn't lying, he'd spent a good thirty-five minutes telling that story. That meant he'd gone at least ten minutes into afternoon arts and crafts class. Shit.

"Well, kids, you heard him, I'll finish the story next time, okay? Have fun in class!" he said, numbly getting up and stretching, trying to rid his system of painful stiffness. His body wasn't what it used to be.

"Hm," Deidara said as he guided the children through the door, slight frown on his face. Sasori let his gaze linger on Deidara's collarbone, visible since the first few buttons of his blouse were left undone. Deidara wore no coat despite the chilly air.

_He must've come straight out to see why they were late_, Sasori thought guiltily to himself.

"Um...sorry," he croaked when he passed Deidara, who still held the door open for him. Deidara didn't answer for a few moments, which made Sasori wonder if he'd heard him. But right before he could repeat himself, Deidara turned to him with a smile.

"I heard you were feeling a little down, Sasori-san. Would it trouble you to help me with arts and crafts this afternoon?"

Sasori froze on the spot.

It wasn't an invitation for a date, but _damn_, he didn't see how he could get any more nervous.

"...sure," he squeaked, utterly failing to give an I-have-nothing-better-to-do-so-whatever impression, but the thankful expression on Deidara's face said it didn't matter.

"Thanks, the kids tend to get really messy. This way," he said, reaching for the doorknob to what must be his classroom. Sasori studied him for a moment. Deidara seemed a little more tired than he'd been this morning. Funny what three and a half hours with a bunch of kindergarteners could do to you.

_Oh come on, they weren't _that_ bad, were they?_ He felt like asking, just to see his smile, no matter how tired, reappear. But nothing came out.

They entered the room, and Sasori was instantly glomped by Temari and Kankurou.

"Sori-san! Come and make puppets with us!" Temari shouted, pulling him by the pant leg to her table. Kankurou followed in suit, still trying to un-glue the pom-pom stuck to his nose. His fault, really. He'd said Temari's felt puppet looked more like a pig than a princess, and she'd been the one holding the glue.

"Oi, not so fast, Temari," Sasori warned with a smile. She was adorably bossy, but he was afraid he'd trip on their foot-tall work tables.

He knelt at the table, not trusting himself for a second to sit on their little chairs, and watched as Temari and Kankurou fought for attention from the redhead. He smiled to himself. Those were the simple days, when the only thing that mattered was whether your puppet was nicer than that one.

They each took upwards of fifteen minutes to explain what exactly made their puppet cooler.

He felt a tug at his sleeve. There was a little boy with black hair covering the left side of his face looking up at him nervously.

"What is it, Yuura-kun?" he asked, smiling down at his shyness. (a/n: remember, from canon? Yuura, Sasori's spy? Everyone : no, just _no_. Me: T.T it was a thought…)

"Um…we m-made a sh-show for y-you…for the s-s-tory you t-told at recess," he stuttered quietly. Sasori patted his head. Yuura, on the contrary to the demon twins, always had a hard time speaking up. He was the one Sasori gave the extra cookie to when no one was looking. You know, so that he would get sugar-high enough to stand up for himself.

"A show? How sweet of you, Yuura-kun!" the little boy blushed and tugged on his sleeve again, guiding him to his table, where him and his friends had put the box of decorations upright to serve as a stage.

"Oh, look, everyone! Yuura's table made a show with their puppets!" Deidara exclaimed from his desk at the front of the classroom. His happily expectant look stopped Sasori's heart in his chest.

He wasn't the only one. Yuura had a look of horror pasted on his face.

"Will you present your show to us, Yuura?" Deidara asked, encouraging smile lighting his face. Yuura swallowed.

"Hey, Yuura-kun, I think Yori made muffins for snack today. I'll see if she has any extra, okay?" Sasori whispered.

The boy looked reluctant, but the hungry look in his eye was unmistakable.

"Um…okay…" he said finally, and nodded faintly to his friends, already prepared to start. He stole one last glance at Sasori, which he returned reassuringly.

"Um…th-this is the story of a p-puppet master who had a d-dream…" he started, narrating the entry of the first puppet.

"Hey, that looks like Sori-san!" Kankurou shouted.

Sasori knew better than to be offended that a four-year-old saw a ressemblance between him and a puppet with a red pom-pom for hair and two square purple buttons for eyes. Not to mention a mustard-yellow complexion.

But the class laughed, Deidara included, as Yuura and his friends began their show.

* * *

(Time skip because supposedly you should know the drill by now...)

"...and that's how the puppet master got famous and performed in front of the king and the queen of the country, who were amazed by his talent and got a boat built for him so that he could travel accross the ocean, where people would appreciate his caramel cucumbers," Yuura said, as the Sasori-puppet got into a boat (a brown triangle of felt) and sailed along the cardboard box. "And once the puppet master arrived at the other side of the ocean, he met a blonde-" he continued.

"Well, that's all for today, kids," Deidara cut off. "Maybe Yuura can continue this next time okay? And now, nap-time!" he said with the exuberance of someone who worked with kids only for the sake of not getting shunned by society for strange public behaviour. "Do you mind helping me get them ready?" he asked Sasori.

Sasori nodded.

* * *

(Another time skip because surely the readers must know what happens at nap-time…)

Deidara sat there at his desk, watching the children sleep in the middle of the room with a soft look in his eye. Sasori was leaning against the wall on the other side of the room, since the concept of him and Deidara in a dark, quiet room (poor kids, they'd be scarred for life T.T) had caused him sudden loss of control over his legs. And so he watched him, as discreetly as he could.

_And now, all you do is casually prance over to the desk, and then throw yourself on it and rip your clothes off!!_

…_Inner Sasori? Is that you?_

_The one and only._

_I thought you were a one chapter thing._

_Nope, the author likes me too much for that._

_Gaah, stupid author._

_I wouldn't say that, if I were you._

_What, is he going to do something? Ooh, I'm so scared of the otaku, I've got chills running down my spine! Honestly, what could he possibly do?_

_...well, he just made you have an entire conversation with yourself and made Deidara notice it and question your sanity._

_...what? I said all of that out loud? Oh crap!_

_I told you. He's eeeeevil._

Sasori looked up at Deidara, who, surely enough, was looking at him oddly. He gulped.

_Man, this is awkward. No sexual tension at all._ Now _how are you gonna get laid on the teacher's desk?_

…_is this being said out loud?_

_Well, he_ does _want Deidara to get into you pants by the end of the story-_

_Oh good._

_-so he's probably going to let you redeem yourself or something._

…_and, knowing him…_

_Yes, you're probably going to have to go through hell. Twice._

"Thanks, Sasori-san. I appreciated your help today. The kids seem to like you." And he smiled.

_Whoa, he_ smiled _at you? What'd I miss?_

…_I'll tell you later._

_Ohoho, it better be good! Toodles!_

…_yeah,_ _"toodles."_

"You're…welcome," he stammered, and stiff-leggedly walked out the door…

…right into Yori and Kata.

With big, big grins.

"Um, hi?" he tried weakly.

The classroom door was loudly shut behind him, as he was tugged down the hall and back into the kitchen.

Where was Inner Sasori when punishment was about to be dealt out?

He gulped as they sat him in a chair in the back corner of the kitchen, both of them carrying long, scary-looking sticks.

_I'm in trouble_, he thought nervously, as giant roll-up charts fell out from the ceiling and boxed him in.

_No shit._

_Gasp! It's you!_

_What, you have_ another _split-personality?_

_...I hope you're happy. I'm about to die._

_Ah, but you don't know where I was this morning. _

_What, where?_

"So, Sasori, about what you said about, quote unquote, to get done in the ass..." Yori started, eyes fixed on him, "Me and Kata-chan were talking..."

_Oh shitshitshit, they're gonna kill me, they're gonna hypnotise me so that I spill everything and then they'll go and tell everyone-_

_Sasori, chill, okay?_

_-Or maybe they'll just hold it over my head and make me their slaves for life! Cruel, cruel world, just because-_

"I'm gay!" he blurted.

_Whoa, it's like déjà vu!_

_Listen, we're gonna talk later_, Sasori thought to himself with gritted teeth, clenching his fists.

"Oi, Yori-chan, he just came out," Kata said, watching him carefully.

"Oh good, I was afraid it would take forever to make him admit it," Yori remarked, stopping her rant short.

"Wait, what?" Sasori asked, dumbstruck. What exactly did they mean by that?

"So now, since we've already cleared the self-acceptance section, let's move on to..." she paused, waiting for Kata to roll the tape.

"THE DO'S AND DON'TS OF GAY SEX!!" They both cried, accompanied by the same text projected in pink sparkly letters.

Sasori's head snapped upwards.

_They did_ not _just say-_

_I was there when they made the slideshow. They did it while you were sleeping. Didn't get to see it all the way, though._

_...But I thought _they_ wanted to be with Deidara?_

_...they're yaoi fangirls, what else can you expect? Oh, and you might wanna pay attention; this part's important._

_Wha-?_

"...and although bondage can seem extremely enticing at the time..."

"Permanent nerve damage and other medical..."

He phased out again.

_Did you hear that? Did you_ hear _that?_

_...I know. Scary, isn't it, how they're still virgins and they know everything about-_

"Sasori-san?" Kata asked, waving her hand in front of his face. "Anyone there?"

"Pah, maybe he isn't interested in bondage, Kata."

Kata sighed. "Yeah, you're right, it's not like Itachi-"

"Wait, _what_ about Itachi?" Sasori cut in shrilly, eyes widened in shock.

_Since when does _Itachi-

_Sasori, I don't know _what_ kind of impression you've been giving these people, but it seems they expected a threesome out of you._

_...But I thought..._

_I know..._

"Oh, you don't have to hide it from us," Yori said in a way she hoped was reassuring. "We've already figured out your little crush."

Kata winked. "Don't worry, we'll help you get him in bed."

Sasori's jaw hung ridiculously as he watched both of them smile encouragingly at him.

_We'll help you get him in bed..._

_We've already figured out your little crush..._

_Itachi..._

_In bed..._

The room started spinning.

"Me...Itachi...bed...not..." he stammered in a final half-awake moment, before he collapsed onto the ground.

Visions of the openly gay music teacher wearing those cat ears he seemed to find adorable and crawling onto him with a playful snarl accompanied him into darkness.

_Well, I guess I was wrong. You could've lost to_ that _kind of girly man._

_Oh shut up._

Yori and Kata stared at him, still twitching subconsciouly in his terrible-matchmaking-induced spell.

They made eye-contact.

"Gay men," they sighed simultaneously, and got ready to leave for the day.

* * *

To be continued!!

Heheh, if there's one thing almost as fun as Sasori-the-cook, it's definitely Itachi-the-gay-music-teacher. :D I'm having waaaay too much fun with this :P

So hey, I'll see you guys some time!!

Thanks a lot to those who actually went and Youtube'd Eddi Izzard. I personally think he's hilarious!!

Love!!

Shun


	4. What a Threesome!

-dragged into the room by the hair, courtesy of Mao-senpai-

Oww...

Sorry guys!!

Yeah, from now on update news is going to be in my profile. Go there, not here.

-grin- This week was very educational; I now know how yuri works -grin widens-

If a gay Itachi makes you uncomfortable, or you're afraid you'll never be able to look at your wall-posters the same way, maybe you should stop reading. There's fun to be had for the rest of us. And besides, I'll make him hot. And awesome. By crack standards.

I hope.

Please excuse my non-existent fashion sense. I try.

I'll take suggestions for future chapters, though!

I tried my best, Leia.

Oh, I meant to ask (late chapter equals long author's note, after all): Is it hard to differentiate Inner Sasori from Sasori? I find that IS is usually the confrontational one, whereas Sasori is more defensive and emotional. But hey, I wrote it, so I wouldn't know what you guys think...Do you guys find the little italic exchanges annoying?? Gah, I know nothing!!

Except one thing: There will be blood, after this chapter. Not the characters. Me. Why? Because...(cue dramatic music)... there is no DeiSaso fluff! Heck, not even Deidara.

But don't shoot me, okay? Next chap's coming soon, nice and awkward as you've apparently liked it so far.

Have fun with Itachi in a meantime, though. -shot anyway-

Chapter 4: _What a threesome!_

* * *

Sasori ran all of the way to school the next morning.

If there was a chance to get himself out of this matchmaking mess, he didn't want to be kicking himself for missing it later.

He splashed himself as he stepped into a huge slush puddle.

_Shit._

He opened the door to the kitchen, still wiping the muddy ice from his face.

"Good morning, Sasori-san!" Kata chirped, looking up from her cupcake-icing.

"Did you sleep well?" Yori cooed, as she tied her apron to start the day.

_They lie! Such innocent-looking faces, _lies, _I tell you!_

_No shit, I was wondering about all the maniacal laughter that died out just before I came in!_

_Gasp! You've got a brain in there!!_

_...You're hopeless._

_And here I was thinking you just had another set of-_

_You pervert._

"Oh, Sasori, would you mind-" Kata started.

"Guys! I need your help!" rang the interruption from the kitchen doorway.

Sasori, Yori and Kata each stopped what they were doing and stared at him.

"Itachi, what happened?" Kata asked anxiously. Yori gave Sasori a sidelong glance, watching his reaction.

Itachi sheepishly fingered his black eye, and winced when his finger bent funny.

"Just...a misunderstanding, Kata. Nothing bad, really," he said with a forced laugh.

_Twenty bucks says the pink streak in his hair started it._

_No, I'm going for the gay pride bracelets._

_You're on._

Both Sasori and Inner Sasori checked Itachi out as he fumbled for excuses to comfort Kata, who hung to his neck in pity. (Look, another man who doesn't take advantage of boobs getting shoved at him, said Inner Sasori.)

_Do I have to wear...that? Where do you even_ get _red tie-dye t-shirts these days?_

_Dunno, but you know, you wouldn't look too bad in the high black sneakers. Or red and white-striped knee-socks._

_Yeah, and I'd kill for those black skater shorts._

_...and the fist gloves._

_Damn, should I ask him to take me shopping?_

_Well, if you don't mind the-_

_Golden bell tied around his neck like a fucking cat? Yeah, you're right, maybe not._

"So, could I borrow the antiseptic?" he asked, limping a little into the room.

"Oh, Itachi!" both Yori and Kata cried, quite literally glomping him within an inch of his life.

It was Sasori who had to get the ice and the antiseptic in the end.

"Kata, Yori, if you wouldn't mind..." he tried, lifting the medic kit pointedly. They blinked, lost for a moment, and then got off Itachi and conspicuously left the both of them alone. Yori even winked as she left. Itachi didn't notice a thing, too busy trying to sit himself on the stool from the corner without causing another glomp-fest.

"Thanks," he whispered when the door slammed shut behind the two women.

"No prob," Sasori said brightly, kneeling down to get an ice pack from the medic kit. "Here, for your eye."

Itachi smiled at him as he put the pack against the growing bruise. "I love you guys here. All of the other teachers just give me crap about 'provoking' and shit."

Sasori looked up at him wonderingly. "Must be hard, being you, I guess."

Itachi chuckled. "Nah, I'm not the self-pitying type. But it gets annoying, you know? When people are that close-minded and shit."

"Who, the teachers?"

"...Them too, I guess, when the kids aren't around. But mostly just the jerks on the street."

"It was them who did all this, right?"

Itachi nodded, and winced when the ice moved his broken finger. Sasori was immediately fumbling for something to splint it with.

"Thanks, man, I owe you for this. They're usually nicer, but I guess..."

"Sorry, just give me your finger for a second. There. Okay, you were saying?"

"Oh, nothing, just...I think they felt threatened or something 'cause I was talking with one of their girlfriends at the mall. _Ow_!"

Sasori quickly finished wrapping his finger around the tiny metal rod. "There you go, all done. Sorry about that."

Itachi whimpered a little as he cradled his new tiny cast, but made no move to leave. "The kids feel sorry for me, at least," he said quietly, "I hope their generation goes a little better than this one."

It seemed like the right time to nod. "They're smart little guys, aren't they?"

Itachi chuckled as he made an attempt to stand up. He flinched when his left foot hit ground.

"Is it sprained?"

"...I guess..." he said with difficulty, trying to regain his balance.

"Here, take your shoe off, I'll have a look."

He sighed in defeat, but sat back down and did as he was told. "I had rhythm sheets to write out this morning," he complained. "The concert for the parents'll be in a few months...and my first-grade class..."

Sasori only half-listened to his preparations for the show. He was too busy trying to figure out where that high-pitched gasp was coming from. He shook his head and pulled the rest of Itachi's knee-sock down his calf. He must've been imagining it.

_You know that when the author writes something like that, it's because you actually_ weren't _imagining it._

_...Yeah whatever, but check out how purple his ankle is! I wonder what they did..._

_Sasori, um, I'm not calling myself a specialist in medical procedures and stuff, but the way you're holding his foot looks a little..._

_...? No, that's how you're supposed to hold it when you wrap it up._

_...Well, if Kata and Yori were here..._

There. A flash of green hair in the window.

_They're spying on me!_

_And you're surprised?_

_Ch, scheming little..._

_Can I hand out the punishment later?_

_...You're just a case of half-assed schizophrenia. What exactly_ can _you do? _

_Heh, oh, if only you knew..._

Sasori shuddered involuntarily as he went to fasten the little staple on the bandages around Itachi's ankle. "There, all set. Just try not to put too much weight on it." He patted his foot conclusively and stood up, getting all of the kinks out of his system from kneeling. Where oh _where_ had his twenty-year-old body gone?

"Thanks, Sasori. I owe you one."

"No prob," he said lightly, and flew in to catch Itachi before he lost his balance. "Here, I'll walk you to class."

He turned to the window, where Kata's big blue eyes and Yori's brown ones were zeroed in on his arm around Itachi, and scowled at them. The reaction was instant, and they quickly cowered from view.

_Take that, you filthy idiots who only take up text and deprive fan girls of hot yaoi sex!-_

_Yeah, you tell 'em, Inner Sasori!_

-I'm _the one supposed to be doing that!_

_...You know what? Never mind. _

Sasori slung a hand around Itachi's waist.

"Thanks, I was wondering when they'd leave us alone," Itachi muttered as he hobbled out.

_...Did I hear...what I thought I heard?_

_...That he noticed them too?_

_No...I meant, that little tone of relief, like when...you want to get intimate...but people are watching..._

_No, you must've heard wrong, then..._

_Heh, maybe I did, but then again, I'm just here to provide mental torture! Now you're gonna feel all awkward around Itachiiiiiiiii! I win! I win!_

_...I suddenly have a headache..._

"This way," Itachi said, pointing down the hall to the left. Every so often, he'd try to take a step of his own, but he'd always trip right back to Sasori. At the arrival to his classroom, he tried one last time, and collapsed onto the white-and-red tiles.

"You okay?"

"...my...other ankle..." he whimpered.

_Okay, now I _know_ the author is out to kill me._

_Way ahead of you, Sunshine._

_Gah..._

He plucked Itachi from the ground, and carried him bridal-style into the room.

_Please, no pink lace, please, no gay stuff, oh please oh please oh pleaaaase..._

The room was tiny and a faded yellow colour, with shiny posters of musical notes and rhythms along the ceiling, and a blue plastic box with bells, small drums, and maracas at the back. A small black table in the corner leaned one of its rickety legs on a small green book, and a grey curtain covered a large box-shaped object on top of it.

Not a pink ribbon in site.

Sasori sighed in relief.

"Just there, please," Itachi said, and pointed to his desk, a no-nonsense mahogany colour with papers stacked four inches high and pens thrown into a red ceramic mug.

He could've mistaken this for any old classroom, and yet, he thought, as he sat Itachi down.

Just as he'd expected, Itachi lit the room with...energy? He was annoyed to find the mushy feeling in his stomach when Itachi regained a little spark and single-handedly (a/n: not the expression, he actually couldn't use the fingers of his right hand...just to clarify...) got to work on the four inches of paper. The little grunts of effort Itachi made every now and then as he filled in rhythm sheets for the morning class didn't help matters.

"Well, my work is done," Sasori said after a moment, and took a step toward the door. "See you-"

"No!" Itachi cried, panic-filled eyes freezing him on the spot. "Don't leave me!"

_Okay, I have a plan,_ Sasori thought.

_1) I order him to take me shopping._

_2) I get a tape of that nasal voice he has._

_3) I tie him up and force him to spill how he manages such...irresistible puppy eyes._

"Fine, fine, I'll stay," he said in defeat. "For how long do you want me here?"

"Well, I have to walk around a lot pretty much all day, so..."

Sasori sighed. "Fine, I'll just go and tell Kata and Yori that I won't be the-"

The click of phone buttons interrupted him.

"Hi Kata! Yes, it's about...oh, oh good...yes...uh-huh...yes...of course..."

Sasori hadn't noticed the shiny white phone behind the stack of papers, that Itachi presently held crooked in his shoulder with an attentive expression. He hung up with a bright "Thank you!" and looked up at Sasori.

"Already taken care of," he said with an eyecrease.

Sasori sighed inwardly and took a seat in a toddler-sized plastic chair. It made a worrying_ crack_ noise under his weight. He decided he'd sit on the floor instead.

_RING! RING! RING!_

Sasori winced at the sound of the first bell. People said the cooks were lucky that it was muted in the kitchens, and now he knew why. Mao-senpai beat the crap out of anything that was louder than 70 decibels, animate or not. That was why there were no vacuum cleaners on the main floor.

He heard the pattering of tiny feet running across the hallway tiles. The kids were getting closer.

"Sasori, would you mind getting the door for the children?" Itachi asked, and Sasori happily obliged. Children meant interruptions, and interruptions meant no room for daydreaming, and no daydreaming meant no perverted thoughts, and no perverted thoughts meant no awkward moments, and no awkward moments meant...well, no comments from Inner Sasori.

_Ch, as if that ever stopped me!_

_...Just let me get the door, okay?_

_Go ahead, see what happens after._

Sasori reached for the door handle, hands shaking a little. Whatever happened today, he would _not_ lose his cool. _He_ was Sasori, damnit.

He could hear children buzzing with excitement just outside the door. Please make this an easy class, oh please, a calm, easy-to-handle-in-this-mental-state, perfect behaviour little group of first-graders class.

His fingers latched on to the metal knob, and slowly, very slowly, he twisted it counter-clockwise (a/n: I checked! Doors open counter-clockwise! Believe it! -shot-)

...and was instantly trampled by a herd of raging six-year-olds.

"Good-morning, Itachi-senseiiiiiiiii!" they all screamed as one.

_Ribs...breaking...breath...stopped..._

_Ew! I can see up their skirts! I feel so...pedophile-like. Shudder._

_...Should've know you wouldn't give me any sympathy..._

"Good morning, children!" Itachi chanted, smiling at them from his desk. Sasori was ignored in all of the hullabaloo and lay there, stranded in the doorway.

"Um, a little help, here?" he croaked. He twisted a little to get up.

Itachi paused from getting music activity sheets from out of his desk drawer. He burst into chuckles when he saw him.

"Sorry, Sasori. Can someone help Sasori-san get up? Go right ahead, Lee."

Sasori felt a sharp tug on the back of his shirt, in sync with his collar slicing through his neck.

"There you go, Sasori-san!" said a little boy dressed all in green, rather loudly.

Sasori let himself be jerked to his knees, before getting up the rest of the way himself.

"Thanks," he grunted.

"It is my pleasure!" the boy named Lee shouted, and bowed his head.

The kid looked like the appreciation-addict type. Sasori ruffled his hair in spite of himself. With a proud little smile, Lee returned to his seat. Sasori went to lean against the side wall as Itachi gave out instructions to the rest of the class.

"And go practice your rhythms for 'I've been working on the railroad' when you're done!" Itachi said brightly, and turned back to his paperwork with a smile.

And _bam_, Sasori was left with nothing to do but watch the children connect the tiny dots on their sheets.

_You little, little pervert._

Sasori sighed inwardly.

_What do you want _this_ time?_

_...I mean, Deidara was fine, as gay partners go, but then you went and got yourself a little Shouta complex while I was gone!_

_What...you mean..._Lee_?_ (a/n: SasoLee forever! -shot-)

_Who else?_

_Look, I don't know if you noticed, but I work at a freaking_ elementary _school. I_ like_ my job. I like my job because I get to work with kids. Thus, I am_ not _a pervert, understood?_

._..What?._

_Oh, go away. _

_Gasp! Look, Itachi's curling a finger at you!_

_Curling a..._

_I mean he's asking you to go over there!_

_...Oh. Okay._

_Just don't make it awkward, 'kay?_

_...That warning somehow defies its own purpose by_ reminding me.

With a sigh he strode up to Itachi's desk.

"Yes?" he asked, trying to shake off his inner conversation.

"Sasori..." Itachi whispered, walking his fingers across the desk. "Where do you usually have lunch?"

"Um...it depends, really. In the kitchen, outside while I supervise recess..."

"How about we have it together today, hm?"

_...Niiiice._

_Look, _you_ stay out of this!_

"Um, sure," he gulped.

Itachi eyecreased. "Great. Hey, do you want to help us practice for the concert?"

Sasori watched as most of the children got up and toddled over to the box to get their respective instruments. There was Lee, looking at him in the corner of his eye with a hopeful expression.

"Sure," he said with a shrug, and Lee's eyes shone up at him.

Itachi winked at Lee. "Go and get ready, Lee."

The boy looked sheepishly up at his teacher and went to grab a tiny drum from the box at the back. He sat back down a moment later, looking expectantly up at Sasori.

Itachi nudged him in the ribs. "You can go and talk to him, if you like. He's got a lot to say," and he winked.

With another sigh, Sasori sat cross-legged on the floor beside Lee.

It was all it took.

"Sasori-san! Look, look! This is my drum!" he said, producing the drum with a barely-legible "Lee" scrawled on a piece of masking tape down the side.

"Is that so?" Sasori asked, and chuckled when Lee's eyes shone with stars.

"Yes! I've had it since the beginning of the year! It's the only red one in the class! I had to run really fast to get it from Neji," he said, and on cue, a pale little boy across the room gave him a death glare, that quickly vanished when Sasori caught his eye.

"You must be very fast," Sasori mused.

"Of course I'm fast! Once, when Sensei wasn't looking..."

And Sasori phased out. Itachi grinned at him from his desk, gloved hand still scribbling away.

"I'm done too, Sasowi-san!" said a small boy with spiky blond hair and a foxy grin. (a/n: -shot for putting Yondaime in the same class as Lee and Neji and giving him a speech impediment-) He held up two blue plastic maracas with blotched yellow flowers. "Look, I play mawacas!"

"And so you do," Sasori said with a smile. The boy's eyes lit up. Sasori never could understand how such little words meant so much to children. "What's your name?"

"I'm Mi-na-to!" he said, proud to have pronounced his name right. Sasori ruffled his hair too. Minato giggled.

"Do you want to play something for me, Minato?"

Minato nodded energetically, and looked down at his maracas. With a concentrated frown, he gave the left one a timid shake.

Silence. Everyone had raised their head at the noise. Minato blushed.

"III've been working on the raaailroad..."

Sasori looked up. It was Itachi, singing gently at his desk, prompting Minato on.

"Keep playing, Minato," he said as he continued singing, "allll the live long day..."

Neji grudgingly picked up his bells and shook them three times.

Lee gave a single strike on the skin of his drum, joining in. "Let us play, everyone!" he shouted, and sung at full volume. "IIII've been working on the raaaaaaaaailroad!"

Itachi chuckled and conducted the tiny instruments that quickly joined in with his broken finger.

Sasori bobbed his head to the clashing tune, and clapped in time with Minato's maracas shaking. Minato giggled again.

"...Just to pass the time awaaay! Hey!"

The bell rang again. As one, everyone's shoulders dropped. Loud "aww"s were uttered.

"It's okay, class, there's always tomorrow!" Itachi said with a smile, as the kids put their instruments away. Their moods seemed to lift a little, then.

Sasori clumsily got up from his spot on the floor. His knees made a worrying cracking sound when he straightened them. Ah, to be twenty again...

"Bye kids!" Itachi shouted, smiling at them as they sprinted to their next class. Lee and Minato turned back to wave to Sasori, which he returned with a grin.

"See you later, Lee, Minato!"

"Bye, Sasori-san!" they said, and vanished into the hall.

The door shut behind them in a gust of wind.

Silence.

Itachi let out a sigh.

"They're just _so_ full of energy, aren't they?"

Sasori nodded. He glanced at the clock. Forty minutes until lunch.

What to do...

Coffee. Yes. That way he could survive _more_ first-graders after lunch.

"I'm just gonna pop in the kitchen for a second, 'kay?" he told Itachi, already holding the door open.

"Sure," Itachi said, "Please put extra cream in mine!"

"Sure thing," Sasori said, and walked out of the room.

And froze.

Wait.

How the _hell_...

_Did he find out?_

_My bet's telepathy._

_Oh_ please, _if it were telepathy, he would've heard me mulling over his gayness and how I like Deidara-_

_-I'd be quiet if I were you!_

_...? Oh, riiiight. Telepathy._

_...What_ would y_ou do if I wasn't here..._

He opened the door and took a few steps in.

No one in sight.

He went to the coffee maker. There were already two mugs beside the sugar bowl and cream carton. There was a note written in Kata's handwriting held in place under one mug.

_Hey, Sasori!_

_We don't usually give you a lot of time with the first graders, so we thought you'd need this to accommodate yourself. Take an extra tablespoon of sugar if you want :)_

_Oh, and give the other mug to Itachi, okay? He'll need to recover from this morning. I hope that doesn't happen to you :(_

_Listen to him, okay? He's got a lot to tell you. _

_And remember: not all first graders know about the birds and the bees, okay? And even less about gay birds and bees. So yeah, just remember that :)_

_Good luck!_

_Kata _

Sasori chuckled as he read it. How typical of her, to believe in the Healing Powers of Coffee.

He picked up his familiar coffee mug, the yellow one with red scorpions crawling up the sides. They'd been on a field trip to the Nature Museum with the third graders, and Yori and Kata had honestly _freaked_ at the sight of the bug-covered thing in the souvenir shop. Which was the main reason he'd bought it.

Humming the Railroad song, he spooned sugar and cream into both his and Itachi's mug, the latter a solid black affair with a chipped rim. It grew to whistling as he stepped out of the kitchen, and he started bobbing his head as he walked down the hall.

"Oh, thank you!" Itachi exclaimed, taking the mug from him. He took a sip. "Mmm, nice and strong," he said, smacking his lips.

Sasori nodded with a smile, taking a gulp.

"Sooo..." Itachi said, putting his paperwork aside, leaning his elbows on the desk and placing his chin on linked fingers, "what's new?"

_I'm gay._

_I love Deidara._

_My competition consists of two cute baker girls with a gift for death glares._

_And probably Konan, too, if she's met him._

_Looking at you hurts my eyes._

_I just want to be normal._

_My pay check is too damn bad to even _go_ shopping with you._

_Next week is the sixth-year anniversary of my parent's death. _

_Mao-senpai got rid of the frying pan with a wobbly handle. _

_I might not survive if she tries out the new one. _

_All I want it to crawl in my bed and sleep._

_Inner Sasori is giving me visions of making out with you in a maid's outfit._

"...Nothing."

"Ah," Itachi said, almost understandingly. "Too bad..."

Sasori shuddered. Itachi hadn't possibly heard him, right?

"Yeah..." he said, trying to save face.

And then Itachi started.

"You'd think I'd be used to it, wouldn't you? The comments and the insults and the shunning and the job bias. Two years now since I came out, I think. And the shit still hurts my feelings..."

Sasori listened. He couldn't _not _listen. Itachi's eyes grew a little darker, and he fingered the mug handle as he spoke. It was as if he was talking about how he'd picked out the colours for the room, the way he used his hands and looked around every so often, not about his experiences as an open gay. He'd look up expectantly whenever he asked quiet questions, to make sure Sasori was listening. Did he know talking about this was making Sasori uncomfortable, that he didn't want to hear any war stories, not while he was afraid of...everything he was talking about? He only nodded and shook his head in response.

Itachi was making him cry a little on the inside.

The door burst open. Both Itachi and Sasori looked up.

"I swear, if it happens _one_ more time..." Deidara said with clenched teeth, trudging right up to the two of them. Sasori wiped his inner tears and vainly tried to still his heart.

Itachi smiled up at him. "Bad day, Dei?" (which is confusing when spoken aloud...)

"Oh, if only you knew..."

_I smell a threesome! I smell a threesome! I smell a threeeeesome!_

_Look, making me nervous won't help me get with Deidara! So shut up if you want to see some action!_

"...Oh. Hello, Sasori," Deidara said after a moment, looking genuinely surprised. "I didn't see you there."

Sasori nodded. Did he trust his voice at a time like this? Not until Kankurou stopped liking caramel cucumbers.

"Sasori helped me with class this morning," Itachi said proudly.

Deidara smiled. "Is that so?"

Sasori nodded again. His palms were getting sweaty.

"Yeah," Itachi said, "oh, and about the report cards, did you check..."

Sasori sighed. Left out.

He looked out the window. Temari was It, and was chasing Kankurou up the slide at breakneck speed. Minato was playing in the sandbox. And there was a whiz of green that flashed across.

"Oh look, Lee's running again," Deidara noticed. Itachi looked up too.

"He never gets tired, does he?"

Deidara sighed.

_RING! RING! RING!_

All three of them clamped their hands over their ears.

Itachi tugged on Sasori's sleeve once it was over. "Let's go eat lunch!" he said, bag already in hand. Sasori lifted him from his chair (and avoided eye-contact with Deidara) and brought him out of the class.

"So...where to?" he asked. He wanted to ask Itachi if he'd ever had a boyfriend. That must've been the only thing he hadn't talked about. But it would be nice to know, and maybe get tips.

"This way," Deidara said, and pointed to the hall that led to the back entrance.

Which led to behind the school.

Which was where Deidara was walking.

Which would lead to a picnic table with a cute little checkered blanket, shielded from the rest of the world by a picket fence. And a chilly winter breeze that would lead to at least one "I'm so cold..." "Well, why don't you come over here?" and then a wink.

Sasori sighed.

Yaoi fanfiction material, indeed.

* * *

Yup, that's it. Heh.

And speaking of late updates...-nudges Jumper in the ribs- FreeFallJumper wrote this really nice (supposedly, but we're still waiting for a) multi-chaptered fic in Steampunk!! And DeiSaso too!! I really hope I can write that well one day!! Please go and check it out!!

Please note: I enjoy getting slapped across the face with constructive criticism. Come, children, come and reduce my ego to tiny bits!!

Reviewers, as well as those who go to the crack yaoi pairing poll on my profile, will be thanked with birthday cake.

Love!

Shun


	5. Bent in two

Next chapter, w00t!

Please say thanks to the awesomeness of BrokenDreamer529 for "beta"-ing!! -claps-

I've been getting mixed signals about what people thought of a threesome/ItaSaso so I was trying to think of a win-win plot for everyone...and then I decided...I'll just go with what I'd been planning all along! -evil laugh-

Weeheehee, Sasori goes a little psycho this time!

Chapter 5: _Bent In Two_

* * *

Wind blew in Saso's hair.

It was just short enough now that he couldn't tuck it behind his ears, but still long enough to sting the corners of his eyes.

He sighed and dropped his lunchbox onto the picnic table, Itachi still hanging from his neck.

"Thanks," he muttered, and collapsed onto the table bench. Sasori held his breath as he helped him sit down, trying all the while to avoid making any more contact with Itachi's legs than was necessary. If Deidara noticed them touching, it would be unfortunate. If Deidara got all gung-ho about his seemingly best friend (stay hopeful, stay hopeful) and the little cook getting together and decided to help hook them up, it would be just plain depressing.

He moved his lunchbox to the spot next to Itachi and sat down. The table rocked under his weight. Oh great, not only would he be on the lookout for any signs of more-than-just-buddies or, even worse, I-respect-your-orientation-but-quit-the-gay-act-and-stop-trying-to-convert-me between Deidara and Itachi, but he'd also have to watch out for his life sitting on a rickety table trying to have an otherwise peaceful lunch. Just _awesome_.

"Don't you hate that?" Deidara asked with a smile, and sat down in the dead centre of the bench opposite. Sasori swallowed and found elsewhere to look than the twinkling eyes of the blonde.

"Hey, Dei, you know Hana, from third grade? " Itachi asked as he took a bite out of his sandwich. "How do you think Pein-sensei's gonna tell her parents she's been sneaking dog food for lunch?" (a/n: and the worst part is, I love Inuzuka Hana.)

Deidara gave a bitter laugh. "Funny story, actually, but I think he already..."

Sasori watched them talk about the demon children in different classes (lucky Itachi, all he had was Lee, and he actually _helped _with class) in gossipy tones, and tried to figure out just what kind of relationship the two men shared.

_Deidara could always be straight, you know._

_Hey! At least let me have_ some _hope! _

_Tsh, the odds are against you._

Excuse _me? This is a DeiSaso! It's only a matter of time..._

_...Until you finally lose it and go for Itachi instead._

_Oh shut up._

His lunch (Tomato-cheese sandwich thrown together in thirty seconds flat this morning with a tiny juice box. Maybe some bits of pineapple. No points for effort or creativity there.) remained untouched on the corner, as he leaned his chin in his hand and analysed.

_Well, they're laughing a lot._

_True._

_And there's a lot of jokes I don't get, so they probably go pretty far back._

_Yup._

_But the way they're looking at each other is strictly platonic._

_Which is good. _

_And neither of them are mentioning current partners or anything._

_Which probably means they keep conversations on a professional level._

_Or that they're too uncomfortable about their different orientations to talk about them._

_And somehow that's what makes me the most happy._

_(nod) Understandably._

Sasori nodded to himself in satisfaction. The relationship Itachi and Deidara had was something like a woodsmen's fraternity: bound by profession and proximity, but too respectable to pry too far.

Or something. What did he know, anyway.

Deidara laughed again. Sasori felt the tiny hairs raise on his arms. So what was his plan, anyway? To swipe Deidara from Itachi and do all of the converting himself? Leave it to Itachi and casually walk in and steal him later? Get himself into grave danger and call on Deidara for help? "Accidentally" fall onto him and kiss him?

Sasori squirmed at the idea of kissing Deidara. His long blond bangs trailed along his lower lip, shining in the sunlight. Even if he _did_ get with Deidara, how would he ever feel comfortable being less than a foot away from...that?

"Hey, Sasori," Deidara asked, turning suddenly to face him, a bit of lettuce trailing on his lip from his salad.

_Must. Repress. Urge. To. Comment. Or. Say. Something. _

_Stupid._

_...I was gonna say "Sexy."_

_Oh, so now you've gotten all full of yourself, haven't you?_

_...Go away. _

_My work here is done._

_Really?_

_...No. But Deidara's looking at you as if you've escaped the asylum._

_...Again?_

"Sorry, what?" he asked, chuckling awkwardly.

Deidara seemed unfazed, and proceeded; "Hey, did you hear what Konan did when Kakuzu made another budget cut yesterday?"

"...No?"

It blared in his mind at once; Konan is a yaoi fan. Konan is a yaoi fan.

Konan had hooked up Pein and that cute chick (a/n: Pein fangirls may insert themselves here :D) a few months ago.

Konan knew everything.

Konan was the secretary.

Konan had power.

Thus...

_Get_ on _with it, for god's sakes._

_Y'know, I think Konan's the woman who's gonna wreck-as-she-tries-to-create my relationship with Deidara._

_Oh._

_I know. To think there's worse than Kata and Yori..._

_Stop. I'm not ready to accept that just yet._

_...I think I'll go and see her after break. With cookies. That'll definitely soften her up. _

_And then_ presto! _one less yaoi fangirl in your hair._

_Gosh, I hope she hasn't found out yet._

_We'll see..._

"...and then Kakuzu glared at her until she burst out laughing! Man, he was _one_ pissed guy when he left that office."

Deidara was wiping away tears of laughter.

Shit. He'd missed the punchline.

Itachi was banging the table with laughter, making it shake. Sasori desperately grabbed onto the edge, waiting out the storm. Strong, that Itachi.

_Shlump._ (Sound a lunchbox makes when crashing from a picnic table onto the grass. Well I don't know! Anyone got a better onomatopoeia?)

Sasori's lunbox hit the ground, but no one save him noticed. He sighed and reached for it, all the while keeping a strong hold on the rocking table.

_Itachi + Sasori + table + rocking equals..._

_No! Don't even _think_ that!_

_I'm_ you_! It must've crossed _your _mind too!_

_Gaah. Why do_ I _get the pervy mental tenant?_

_Face it: you deserve it._

_Will you go away if I ignore you?_

_Not if you respond to my ItaSaso taunts._

_(sigh)_

Aw shit, his pineapple pieces had spilled out of their container. His nerves hummed when he heard the two woodsmen share another private joke. With a sigh he stacked his juicebox onto the container lid, and, biting his lip in concentration, steadied the container itself on top of the straw.

The straw bent, and sent his mini-statue plummeting back down.

Itachi and Deidara turned at the noise.

Just then, a burst of tiny grunts sounded from behind the fence, accompanied by a mop of black hair bouncing above the white pickets; Lee was trying to get their attention, but he was too short to even wave his arms above the fence.

Itachi lifted his head first.

"Oh look, it's Lee," he said in an almost staged surprise. "Deidara, could you help me see what he needs?"

Deidara gave a stiff nod and leaned in to pick him up. Sasori pointedly ignored the Newlywed air they sported together, still focused on piling his tupperware and juicebox back up.

"Yes, Lee?"

"Oh, Itachi-sensei, it is _horrible_! I just remembered that we-"

There. He put the lid at the bottom this time, to smooth out the base. The juicebox was next. He re-inflated it to square the edges and centered it. The straw would be last, this time. With careful hands, like when he had to put pumpkins in orange icing on tiny cupcakes for Halloween, he placed the container hollow side up on top of the juicebox. With minute balance, he reached down for the bits of pineapple that had fallen in the melting slush. He placed a large piece in the container, always watching for signs of tipping over. Juuuust...there.

Proving once again that when in love, the mind develops a much different set of priorities.

"Hey, Sasori, turns out I forgot to feed my fish before leaving. Do you mind if me and Deidara go back?"

_And have sex in a first-grade classroom without you?! Refuse, Sasori, REFUSE!_

Sasori's jaw froze. What the-?

And yet, with impeccable the-summary-said-DeiSaso-so-let's-get-a-move-on-with-just-that timing, Konan appeared in the same doorway they'd come out of for lunch hour. Her eyes narrowed when she saw Itachi.

"Just _what_ do you thin_k _you're doing, having fun with your little boyfriends while your report cards aren't even_ halfway _done" she seethed, but Itachi laughed.

"Ah, I was getting to that, Konan. Sorry. Say, could we stop by my classroom before you torture me? Kisame needs-"

And Itachi jumped from Deidara's to Konan's arms, who only blinked and swung him back inside with her.

Deidara blankly watched them close the door, and turned to smile at Sasori.

"Guess it's just the two of us now, huh?" and he laughed as he sat back down.

"...Yeah," he uttered, and having nothing else to do unless he felt ready to hold one-on-one conversation with Blond Sex God, resumed his lunchware tower.

Deidara's gaze was lost in the distance.

"Itachi's...a special case, no?" he asked, and stirred what sounded like soup in his thermos. (Sasori was the cook, and yet _Deidara_ made himself four-course lunches.)

"..."

Was this the window to finding out what Deidara thought about the gay population in general, and, by extension, of _him_ if he ever came out?

"Do be honest with you..." he started, and gulped a spoonful of soup before continuing, "I almost mistook him for a girl the first time I met him."

_Don't say anything, Sasori. Don't say _anything_ stupi-_

"You're one to talk."

Too late.

_You're dead, Sasori._ Dead, _you hear?_

"Pardon me?" Deidara asked as he looked up sharply to face him, a little wide-eyed.

"I...uh...well..."

_Fuck._

Deidara watched him the way you examined three red blotches of paint in a blue circle on a framed sheet of canvas at the museum, trying to figure out where exactly -the work's title- "The Woes of Leaving Home" were.

His shoulders vibrated, and soon he burst out laughing. Sasori desperately held onto his tower as the table shook.

It took Deidara a minute to cool down, and another to quiet his chuckles. Sasori watched him warily. Did most people have mad laughing fits before murdering people?

Sasori removed first one hand, then the other, from his tower. He watched, mouth agape, as Deidara, still smiling, removed the small ponytail at the crown of his head (a/n: alas, canon) and shook his loose hair.

Sasori was speechless for a moment.

No, no slow motion hair shake à la Covergirl (or whatever that is.) It was a silly shake, and it meant that Deidara wasn't offended. It fell over his eyes, over his grin, and he tugged at it.

"Yeah, I get that a lot, too," he said in a falsely bitter voice. "I just like to think I'm cooler that Itachi."

And he laughed at his own arrogance. Sasori smiled. Whew. Off the hook.

"But I could never do what that guy did. He was tough."

Wait...Itachi?

Deidara caught his surprised look.

"That guy's been through a lot of shit..."

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Sasori thought, let's just make absolutely sure what Itachi taught me about how coming out makes, then breaks your life is still fresh in my mind. And while we're at it, don't you dare give me any clues as to how you actually_ feel_ about the whole gay thing!

With a sigh, he resumed his tower building. Sure, he loved Deidara, and sure, he felt flustered, confused, and a little sweaty, but he didn't want to wait around all day for butt sex that would probably never come.

He froze.

_No one heard that...right?_

_Sure. Deidara's still busy ranting. Sometimes, I don't even get what you see in him._

_Pah, you'd never understand love. You're just a voice in my head._

_...And you're just a perv at my mercy._

_...Whatever._

_So...what's your idea? Y'know, getting done in the ass, showing Itachi who's Deidara's real boss, having someone to hide behind when Mao comes out?_

_I was thinking...just talking to him._

_Talking? TALKING? Gosh, how could we have thought for one. whole. second. that you were eligible for tops? Talking, how girly._

_...Well, maybe I'll go and buy myself a goth Lolita dress on the way home!_

_...You're serious?_

_You must've not heard my inner angst in the last chapter; I'm flat broke._

_That's why there's PROSTITUTION._

_...Oh God._

_Nah, not like that. Just, you know, play around with Itachi or something and then steal his wallet._

_Sigh, that would be too unfaithful of me..._

_Heh, if only you knew..._

_Knew what?_

_What the author had in store for you, dumbass! "Faithful" isn't even in your dictionary! What did you honestly _expect_?!_

_...Deidara sex?_

_...Well, I mean, before that._

_There, I'm done my super statue!_

_...Why do I even _try _with you..._

Sasori laughed inwardly at his victory, stabbing his juice straw into the top slice.

"There," he said, leaning back satisfactorily.

Deidara stopped ranting. "What the hell is that?"

Sasori shielded it from Deidara. "Don't listen to him, he's just jealous that soup and salad can't make badass towers like you," he whispered, barely hiding a teasing grin.

Deidara looked at him as if he was out of his mind. Sasori felt his hackles rise. How _dare _he...

He stood up and towered over Deidara.

"You're all perfect and open-minded, don't you act like _I_'m the weird one. You just don't appreciate stuff. Look at you, laughing and speaking all in past tense and shit."

Deidara blinked at him, but Sasori knew his glare would intensify. Sure enough, the blond slowly lowered his head. But why the hell was he panting? Maybe Sasori needed to start working out.

And then, something unexpected happened: Deidara swung a hand over the table, and knocked the tower over, pineapple, lid, and all.

"Why are _you_ any better?" he shot back, and stood up likewise. Sasori cowered back, less out of fear than from how close their faces had been. "You're sure quick to make opinions about other people! What if I change, huh? What'll your petty little judgements mean _tomorrow_?"

Sasori found himself fumbling for words. "Well...well...well maybe they'll remind me of how much of an _asshole_ you were today, so then I can learn to stay the hell away from you! Maybe then I'll be _happy_!"

Deidara sighed, then lowered his voice. "Things are gonna grow dull, after time. But I guess you're just too thick to understand anyone besides yourself. Why the _hell_ did I trust Itachi's judgment when he said you were nice? It's not like you'd understand us. You're not gay, what would you know."

And he laughed, a dark, bitter laugh, as he picked up his lunchbox and left Sasori outside, jaw hanging at his knees.

_...And somehow, I don't find that particularly gratifying._

_Bad timing, Inner Sasori, bad timing._

_Sorry._

Sasori's shoulders rose up to his ears, before dropping with a sigh as he sat back down. His rested his forehead against the uneven planks of wood, closing his eyes.

_I screwed up. He hates me now._

He gently raised his head an inch from the table, and brought it down repeatedly.

_Stupid, stupid, stupid._

_This was a mistake._

_This was..._

His head rose up in realisation.

_Intentional!_

No, it couldn't be...had Itachi purposely made them get into a fight?

He couldn't see straight, he couldn't think right, and it made so much _sense_, it was so _clear_, all of a sudden, how Itachi had been scheming all along to make them hate each other! It was so obvious he wanted nothing more than for the two of them to not stand a _chance_ together!

He stood up again, fists balled in fury.

"That little..."

The innocent smiles, the cute wave, the giggles, Itachi had wanted Deidara all for himself!

_...Or maybe he just wanted you._

_You! You...stay out of this! This is between me and-_

"That _bastard_!" he cried, and he tried to kick himself out from the table bench, but instead ended up stumbling back onto his backside.

_If I may say so myself, you look charming, like that._

Sasori closed his eyes and tried to ignore himself.

This was strike one, wasn't it?

Stupid game, he already had enough on his mind.

He swung his legs to the side and staggered to his feet. He shook himself and took one step towards the door. His scattered lunch looked deserted, in the melting winter scene, but Sasori quickly put it out of his mind and walked to the door. He sighed before giving it an angry push; it stayed stubbornly put: it was a "pull" door.

Dropping his fingers around the handle with a sigh, he tugged and went in.

And he knew exactly where he was headed.

Footsteps clattered down the hall towards him.

"Sasoriiii!" Kata cried, and he was quickly engulfed in a cloud of brown hair and fruity perfume.

"He doesn't look so good," Yori mused over her shoulder, tapping a finger against her lip, and Sasori wanted nothing more at that moment than to yank her green ponytails until she screamed, until tears came out of her eyes.

_And I haven't even come out yet_, he thought bitterly.

_Well, not if you count that part a few chapters ago where you said all the good stuff aloud._

_...Whatever. Not the same._

_True._

_...Hey, Inner Sasori?_

_What?_

_Oh, don't get all defensive on me!_

_Well, you don't usually_ want _to talk to me!_

_...Good point. But I wanted...well...um..._

_Don't even_ think _about a shoulder to cry on. _

_...Fine._

_Look, you just went hormonal and screwed up your first-ever conversation with the man of your dreams._

_-.- why thank you, I never saw it that way._

_...But honestly, he was a bit of a jerk too. Maybe if you just cooled it off for a day and apologised..._

_Look, I don't know if I ever told you, but-_

_I know, I know, you're a royal failure at apologising._

_Alas..._

He shook Kata off of him.

"Sorry, guys, I just need to take care of a few things," and he kept walking.

He felt Yori's hand at his sleeve. "Hey, are you okay?" she asked, and he saw her brown eyes scan over his face.

"...Yeah. Just a little down. But I'll be okay," he said, and he flashed her a smile. She must never know he had a crush on the same asshole she did.

_Tsh...life was so much simpler when I had a crush on _her_..._

_Whoa whoa whoaaaa. You liked _Yori?

_...Well, yes, yes I did!_

_Plot twist alert! Plot twist alert!_

_No, it's not like that. I just...I guess before I found out I was gay..._

_...Whateeeever you saaaay. _

Sasori stopped beside Itachi's classroom, and his hands balled into fists automatically. He reached for the doorknob and stuck his head in.

"You!" he cried, and Itachi and Konan, along with twenty-five other first-graders, looked up at him in surprise. Sasori winced at himself. Smart.

Itachi uttered a calm "I'll be a moment, class," and turned to say something to Konan, who immediately materialized mere yards away from Sasori, music teacher bent in two over her shoulder.

"...I'm fine, Konan, you don't have to..." he stammered, but she dropped him on his feet with a start.

Itachi held his arms out to steady himself, and closed the door behind them after a moment. Konan took a few steps away from them, showing that even though she would be able to hear everything, she still wanted to look respectful of their privacy.

"Yes, what is it, Sasori?" Itachi asked, expression expectant.

_Even has the audacity to put a hand on his hip..._

_Go Sasori, go! Reduce him to tiny shreds!_

"I hate you!"

_-.- I was hoping we'd go for something a little more mature..._

Itachi said nothing for a moment, then tilted his head and asked, "Why so?"

Reasons failed him for a split second. And then he refound the spark.

"B-b-because you ruined _everything_!"

And never had Sasori been so terrified of such a narrow smile.

So it _was_ true, he _had_ been planning this all along!

Itachi broke what had quickly become a staring contest first. He held his sides and giggled. Sasori took a step back. What the-?

"Um...what?" he asked after a moment.

Itachi didn't reply, instead hiding his mouth from Sasori and stage-whispering to Konan, "Konan, he's one of us!"

Sasori twisted around to look at the woman. Her hands were clasped together by her cheek, and her eyes were getting bigger and shinier by the second.

What.

The.

Hell.

Itachi gave him a michievous smile.

"You're busted. I know your little secret," he trilled, eyes shining evilly.

"Wait, you know that I like-"

"Well, even if I wasn't absolutely sure, that just confirmed it!" he squeaked, and Sasori felt himself being dragged by what must be Konan's iron grip.

_You just lost to the gay man._

_If you please, hold the discrimination; I'm just like him, you know._

_...Yeah, I know..._

_:3 and that's why you love me._

_...Yeah, of cour-wait, WHAT!?_

_...Nothing._

_Oh my god you're going narcissistic!! Love-struck narcissist!! RUN AWAAAAYY!!_

_See, I'd like to, but my impending doom is kind of the main priority at the moment._

And just like that, he found himself seated in the office in a chair usually meant for a difficult sixth grader waiting for her parents to pick her up, or a snot-nosed second grader who got kicked out once he started running out of tissues. Konan scooted an identical chair so that they faced each other. Sasori saw the badly-contained excitement flickering in her eyes. So much for keeping himself on the down-low from any more yaoi fangirls.

"So..." she began, and Sasori cringed.

"Is this gonna be another lesson on gay bondage?" he asked.

Konan stared at him for a moment, and Sasori thought maybe it was going to be exactly that, and that he would get sorely punished for the contempt in his voice he hadn't hidden well enough. Instead she scratched her neck and mused, "You know, you might actually have a chance with Deidara."

"...?" and she burst out laughing.

"Oh come on, you never heard of Deidara-sensei's taste for...what's wrong, dear?"

She'd noticed Sasori wince at the name. "Well..."

She gasped and covered her lips with a hand, placing the other on Sasori's knee. "Itachi wasn't _too_ sadistic, was he?"

"Um...what?"

Konan ran a thumb up the inside seam of his pants, to which Sasori reacted by tightening his knees together. She stopped, but made no comment.

"Tell me what happened, Sasori."

And, with flagrant omissions of his stupidity, Sasori told her about their lunch hour.

"And then he like, laughed at me, as if I was supposed to be embarassed about being...straight," he finished, as he felt that now-familiar veil rise between himself and the word. It had been a long time ago, when he'd found himself comfortably placed in the "straight" category. People often said that your definite sexual orientation made itself known to you in high school years. Well, surprise surprise, Sasori had read porn and peeped with the rest of them, when he'd been sixteen. Of course, _sex_ had never actually-

The office door opened right beside him, awakening him with a startle. In marched...Deidara.

"Deidara, what can I do for you?" Konan said with a professional smile, and smoothed her skirt as she rushed to her desk. "Report cards doing okay?"

"Yeah, practically done, actually. But I came here to ask..." and he leaned in, as if to divulge a secret. He threw a furtive glance around the room, and once his gaze landed on Sasori, he stood up straight instead and said, probably a little too loudly, "Kata and Yori invited me for dinner tonight, and I was wondering if..."

And he lowered his voice again. It was all it took to plant the seed of curiosity in Sasori.

Or so Deidara thought.

Was he actually _trying_ to make Sasori jealous by flaunting the fact that he would hang out with two girls tonight, whereas Sasori would be all alone? Deidara still thought he was _straight_!

Sasori burst out laughing. Both Konan and Deidara turned to look, although the former had a much better idea of what was going on.

He felt himself grin.

_Who has the power now, bitch?_

"Sounds like a date to me," he said as he stood up. "Have fun with your little 'friends' tonight, just don't tell them they're replacements for some hot guy at the gay bar who got turned off by your _bad temper_!"

He opened the door with a pompous smile, taking one step through.

And he never would've thought he'd say it, but...

When it came to hurling heavy objects at the back of Sasori's head, Deidara beat Mao-senpai by a mile.

He fell to the ground under the shock, and heard the phone book_ thunk_ beside him.

_We're gonna laugh about this later, right, Inner Sasori? _

_Inner Sasori?? _

* * *

And there you have it.

Love!

Shun


	6. PDA

-slinks into the room-

-closes door behind self-

-waves-

Hello!

-pinned to door with kunai-

...um...I can explain?

Okay, enough with taking myself all seriously and painting you guys to be all violent (and kunai bearing) and stuff. -clasps hands together- let's get to business.

Yeah, sorry I'm late. Really, really sorry. No excuse. (Well, there _was_ that webcomic..)

And thank you so very much for those reviews! Made an awesome birthday present!!

So! Here's an extemely short chapter, just to give y'all a little heads up that I'm kind of losing the will to (live? fuck no! life rocks!) write this, and so I'm just trying to find that spark again.

Thank Chromde for her awesomeness beta skills. She owns.

In a meantime...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DREAMER!! -blows party-thingie and twirls flag-

-coughs- if any of you have a birthday within a reasonable amount of time, it might prove to be a good incentive for me...

Chapter 6:_ PDA_

* * *

"AAAHHHHHH!! RAPIST!! I'M BEING HELD AGAINST MY WILL!! SAVE MEEEE!! RAPIST!! SOMEBODY!!HEEEEEEELLLP!!"

"Oh for God's sakes, Sasori. Oh, and careful, you're gonna-"

**Three line Flashback.**

"Look, Deidara, you knocked him unconscious!"

"He was asking for it." With a sniff, Deidara left the office, stepping over Sasori's twitching body on the ground.

Konan sighed and kicked at him. "I guess I'll have to take you home, huh?"

**End Flashback.**

"AAAAAHHHH!!-Ow, my head."

Pain burst through Sasori's skull, and red hair gave way to a big pink bump.

"I was going to say 'careful, you're gonna bump your head'."

Sasori sat back against the blue car cushion. "Owwww..."

"There's ice beside you."

On cue, Sasori felt something wet against his thigh. He picked up the ice pack and placed it on the side of his head that hurt the most.

"You okay?"

"AAAAAAAHHHH!!"

And Sasori re-cowered against the car window.

"Sasori, it's me, Konan. There's no reason to-"

She rolled her eyes when he drowned her out by hyperventilating.

"Scared...crap...outta..." he panted, hand at his throat

"Hey, Sasori?"

"...?"

"Gotta go. See you in ten minutes."

"...Wha-"

The car door shut behind her.

Sasori inched back to the car window. Where was Kona-

Oh. They were parked at a gas station. He inched to the other side of the backseat. There was Konan walking through the doors of the small store. Wait, was that...Pein, with her? It _was_!

Sasori didn't really want to investigate further. If it turned out the secretary and the principal _were_ indeed dating, then he owed Mao-senpai quite a hefty wad of cash (don't drink and bet, kids).

With a sigh he collapsed back against the seat. _Man_ it was hot in here. He reached for the window lever.

Oh. Konan's car had a funky push-button to open and close windows. How nice.

So secretaries made more money than school chefs, now did they?

_Well obviously. She slaves in front of towers of paperwork for hours every day, and you just lick icing off your fingers!_

Why did Sasori smile? He was _schizophrenic_ again, for God's sakes. Why?

He pushed the button a total of three times: once to see which direction lowered the window, again because apparently it wasn't upwards, and once more because it turned out that he had gotten it right the first time, but hadn't pushed hard enough.

_You suck._

Sasori grinned again. He stopped when he got a gust of hair in his face. Okay, so it was too windy to have the window down all the way. He pulled at his locks, finger-combing them.

_Gah, I hate when it gets messy._

_...Oh boy._

Sasori rolled his eyes.

_...What _this_ time?_

_I was just thinking..._

_Really, now._

_Oh shut up. Just saying, maybe now we'll get to see you all vain and stuff._

_Me, vain?_

_Deidara, hot._

_...In English, please?_

Inner Sasori sighed.

_You see, in the ancient art of Ukeism the attention to looks is considered-_

A loud sucking noise interrupted him. Sasori peered out the window.

And gagged.

_Ewewewewewewewewewew!! _

_I hear you. I hear you._

_I mean, that's what you see in M-rated fanfictions! In a bedroom, no less! Not out on the frickin' _street_!_

_And usually the guy isn't an OC._

_...Oh, like when it's ItaxMary-Sue?_

_Or MexMary-Sue._

_...Oh, the images...(holds head)_

_See, I think I prefer being gay._ (a/n: Shun's ego has just increase fifty points. Or something.)

_No shit._

_Hey, Inner Sasori?_

_Yeah?_

_If watching a couple eat each other's faces on the street feels somewhat revolting..._

_...Why are we still staring?_

_You read my mind._

_I _am_ your mind._

_Tsh, I was hoping I still had a little white spot you hadn't muddied in there._

_Nope. Allll gone. n.n_

_...Just look at them _go_. Just...kissing and licking and-_

_I'm gonna be sick! Look away! Look awaaaay!!_

Sasori's finger slipped on the window button, pushing it shut and nipping his hair in the process. Eyes still glued to the daring couple, he moved his head, and let out a ear-badly-injuring-and-cussword-inducing scream. He had a sensitive scalp, yes?

_Whew. Thought the torture would never end._

_No kidding._

_Oh look, a gay couple over there. Ah, much better._

Sasori looked through the opposite window of the car, where sure enough, walking amidst the gas-fill-up-column things, were two men, smiling and chatting with their arms over each other's shoulders. (a/n: True story. Really.)

_They dress kind of like Itachi._

_You think? I don't. They can't coordinate colours as well as him._

_Tsh. Stupid perfect little..._

He was jealous, in all honesty. That Itachi could be so collected and scheming, but especially that two men could just walk down a parking lot and only worry about each other.

_O.O I want that..._

_Oh, I had other plans for you. Walking? Ha! Try chains, whips, maid's outfits..._

_-.- And somehow I missed you._

People stared, which was a given. The scowls hurt Sasori's stomach, and the whispers bystanders uttered dried his throat. Couldn't people just give these guys a little room?

But then, then something else caught everyone's attention.

(Okay, guys, little project: Go and find any fanfic with BishounenxOC whose original character gives you the urge to dance whenever she goes into angst mode/discovers another hidden power. If the author gave an entire block paragraph describing her beauty, just go and read that. If not, keep looking.)

(Okay, got the description? Well, that little missy's parading down the parking lot in Sasori World right now.)

Heads whipped in the new direction, jaws at knee-level and sparkles dancing everywhere. The sickly grey sky turned to pink, and the two aforementioned homosexuals pointed and muttered.

Sasori scowled.

_She even has the power to convert gay men. Or something._

_(arm cross) Well not me._

_Of course not. You've got Deidara to ogle after._

_Yeah-hey wait!!_

_!?_

The girl turned to look at Sasori and his gaping eyes. Satisfaction swam across her features, and she gave him a fluttery wink. His cheeks flushed in spite of himself.

_No Sasori, NO! You've got to resist! Don't look straight into her breasts! Don't smell her perfume! Avoid all eye contact! Look awaaaay!!_

Sasori wasn't listening. His eyes had dissapeared behind hatched lines, veiled by his now-aloof bangs.

He pushed the window button on this side of the car and stuck his head out.

_Sasori, what are you-_

"Hey, you! Yeah, I'm talking to you, Barbie!"

Her hair whipped around her face, framing the surprised "O" of her shiny lips.

"You stay _away _from my elementary school, ya hear? Maybe in another fanfic, but you sure as _hell_ aren't gonna seduce Deidara anytime soon in _this_ one!" he cried, and by now the bystanders' necks were sore with all of the swivelling.

_I could've come up with something better to say, y'know._

_It would've involved describing M-rated yaoi scenes to an audience consisting partly of old ladies and small children._

_...True..._

Her brow furrowed for an instant, but just then a spiky-black-haired man strode out of the corner store right next door, and shielded her with a muscled arm from the evil, evil man. She let out a giggle and pranced to their car, while Uchiha Sasuke gave Sasori the death glare of the century.

Sasori gulped. Konan burst out laughing.

"WHAAAA!"

_Klunk._

Konan hit him with her bag of last-minute groceries.

"You've gotten enough attention already, now let's go!" she said briskly as she slid into the front seat.

Sasori stumbled under the new speed of the car. "So...where are we going?" he asked as he gripped the seat with white knuckles.

Konan beamed back at him, eyes glazing red.

"Hell."

Sasori gulped.

* * *

**Fifteen minutes later**

(Insert whistly cowboy ghost town noises here. Rolling tumbleweeds optional.)

Konan drummed her fingers on the steering wheel, a small _tap tap _in the silence. Sasori jumped a little bit. Konan glanced in her rearview mirror. She scowled at something.

"What a jerkface. S'posed to be here thirty minutes ago," she whined, checking her watch. Sasori attempted to look behind them and see just who this tardy, disrespectful of self-appointed yaoi queen individual was. He caught a glimpse of the man, and was sure he hadn't seen right. How could someone be...

Konan's car swerved into a driveway. Hers? Ah, there were the tomato plants she'd talked about at that teacher social; the ones with purple leaves and swirled yellow skins. (a/n: Okay, not-so-true story.)

Sasori smiled as he looked over her house. So secretaries didn't make that much more than chefs, did they. He watched as she got out and slammed the door, getting ready to face down JerkFace:

Zetsu. Her plumber.

* * *

I didn't get to thank my anonymous reviewer from the last chapter: Hollenicht. Thank you! ...I'm assuming it was a happy case of Not Breathing-ness?

Oh, and whoever voted for JiraIta in my crack yaoi poll is officially my hero.

Really.

I mean, not that you should feel honored or lucky or whatever.

Just sayin'.

JiraIta for the win.

P.S. To Suethors: Sorry. It's not like you guys can help it. Heck, you might not even know who you are.

-tips glass-

To identity crises.


End file.
